Let’s talk about the elephant in the room. This blog series is about words we all carry around but are too afraid to say out loud. The ones that feel almost dangerous to admit to ourselves, let alone anyone else. Let’s change that. Let’s break these taboos and own these feelings so we can actually show up in the world as our real, authentic selves.
Ever felt like there’s this invisible blanket wrapped around you? Sometimes it's light, barely noticeable. Other times, it’s heavy, like an extra 30 pound weight on your back, almost suffocating. That’s how loneliness feels to me — always there, quietly smothering, even if no one else can see it.
It took me most of my life to figure out that this heavy, invisible thing I was carrying around was loneliness. As a kid, I didn’t even know the word for it. And back then, no one really talked about it. Saying you were lonely was like admitting you had the flu — contagious and something people wanted to avoid. So I kept it to myself, burying it deep inside of me, and for a long time, I thought I was the only one who felt this way.
Spoiler alert: I wasn’t. Loneliness is finally getting more attention — even the Surgeon General declared it an epidemic. But it still feels like a dirty little secret, right? Like saying “I’m lonely” makes you seem weak or broken. I’ve seen the awkward silence that follows when I admit it out loud. It makes me want to take it back, shove it down again.
So, what is loneliness, really? For me, it’s that same old blanket, clinging on. Even when I’m surrounded by people who love me, it’s there, making me feel like I’m somehow on the outside. And that’s hard to admit, especially when I do have people who care about me.
But here’s the thing: being alone and being lonely? Totally different. You can love your alone time (trust me, I do, especially with a good book or show!), but loneliness? That’s about not feeling seen or heard, even when you’re with others.
According to Psychology Today, loneliness is that distress you feel when there’s a gap between the connections you want and the ones you actually have. It’s that aching sense that something is missing. And it creeps up on you, like an unexpected guest that refuses to leave.
No one really taught us what loneliness feels like. We learned about sadness, happiness, anger, and all the other emotions. But loneliness? It’s often associated with shame, so it’s not talked about much.
But here’s the truth: we’ve all been there. When was the last time you felt lonely? Maybe it’s right now. I know I’m feeling it. So, let’s talk about it. Because I bet if you’re feeling this way, someone else you know is too. And while loneliness can feel like it’s here to stay, it’s not. It’s temporary. And what really lifts that weight? Real, meaningful connections — the kind that make you feel seen. And it’s not about how many people we know or how full our social calendar is. It’s about the quality of those connections. But getting there, when you’re feeling stuck in that lonely space? That’s the hardest part.
How Do We End Up Feeling So Lonely?
Loneliness doesn’t usually slam into you all at once. It sneaks up quietly, settling in like background noise. Suddenly, you're in deep, and it feels like there’s no way out. From changes in how we communicate to drifting away from communities and dealing with our own emotions, loneliness is complicated, but let's break it down.
Lack of Self-Awareness
Here’s the thing: confronting our emotions is hard. It’s way easier to avoid them, scrolling through TikTok or diving into a Netflix binge (looking at you, Bridgerton). But pretending those feelings aren’t there doesn’t make them disappear. They just fester under the surface, leaving us with that gnawing sense of something being off.
Self-awareness is about tuning into what we’re really feeling and why. Instead of pushing loneliness down and hoping it goes away, we need to recognize it. I’ve found that when I stop trying to bury it and instead sit with it, I’m able to understand where it’s coming from. Whether it’s feeling disconnected from a friend or isolated at a social event, becoming aware of the why allows me to acknowledge it and, eventually, move on from it. It doesn’t make it vanish instantly, but it helps me move through it instead of getting stuck.
Changing Technology
Technology has revolutionized how we connect, but in a lot of ways, it’s also driven us further apart. Remember when families used to sit down for dinner and actually talk? Now, it's all about scrolling through Instagram during meals or sending quick "likes" instead of having meaningful conversation. Social media gives us the illusion of connection, but often leaves us feeling even lonelier.
We’re in this weird place where it’s easier to swipe right on a dating app or “like” a friend’s post than to pick up the phone or meet in person. It’s no wonder so many people say it’s hard to find real connections as adults. Apps might help us meet people, but they can’t replace the depth of an actual, face-to-face conversation. We crave meaningful, in-person interactions that go beyond the surface-level exchanges our phones offer.
The reality is, technology can’t fulfill the deeper need we have for connection. Screens might be keeping us entertained, but they aren’t keeping us connected in the ways that truly matter.
Fading Communities
Communities used to be woven into the fabric of our lives — church, sports leagues, or neighborhood gatherings. These places gave us a sense of belonging, a place to go where we were known. But as society has become more individualistic (and less religious), those built-in connections have faded.
Today, we have to work harder to find our “people,” and for many of us, that means joining clubs or groups. But even being part of a group doesn’t guarantee that sense of connection. You can still feel incredibly lonely in a room full of people if you don’t feel seen, heard, or understood. It's not just about being in a community — it’s about finding a community where you belong.
The decline of these traditional communities is part of why so many of us feel adrift. We’re left trying to piece together our own support systems, often without the tools or resources to do so. And let’s be real — it can feel awkward and exhausting to put yourself out there and try to forge new connections. But when you find that group where you can truly be yourself, it’s worth the effort.
Busy Schedules
We’ve all heard (and probably said) “I’m just too busy” when it comes to making time for friends or family. The modern pace of life is relentless, and it’s easy to let our relationships slide to the bottom of the to-do list. But here's the truth: relationships need attention, just like a plant needs water. Without that care, they wither.
Think about the times you’ve said, “We should hang out sometime” and then never followed through. It’s not because you didn’t want to see that person; it’s because life got in the way. But if we’re not intentional about scheduling time with the people who matter, we end up feeling isolated, even if we have a packed calendar.
Sometimes, it’s the smallest gestures — a “good morning” text or a spontaneous call — that keep those connections alive.
We have to stop using “busy” as an excuse to neglect the relationships that make life meaningful. Yes, we all have responsibilities, but making time for real, intentional connections can prevent loneliness from taking root.
Lack of Diverse Relationships
Here’s the kicker: we need a variety of connections to feel whole. Relying too heavily on one person — whether it’s a partner, best friend, or family member — can leave us feeling isolated when that relationship isn’t meeting every emotional need. No one person can be everything to us, and expecting that leads to disappointment and, ultimately, loneliness.
Think of your relationships as a garden. You need different types of plants to create a thriving ecosystem —some relationships are deep and nurturing, others are light and fun, but all of them serve a purpose. Having a mix of friends, family, acquaintances, and even work buddies helps us feel balanced and supported. It’s about cultivating different kinds of connections so we’re not putting all our emotional eggs in one basket.
What Can Help Tackle Loneliness
When loneliness hits, it’s easy to feel stuck, like you’re walking through quicksand. But there are ways to pull yourself out. Here’s what’s helped me when that heavy blanket starts feeling like too much:
Assess Your Relationships
Take an honest inventory of the people in your life. Are your relationships fueling you or draining you? Are you surrounded by people who align with your values, or just people you happen to know? Doing this kind of check-in can be a game changer. It’s about getting real with yourself: Do certain friendships feel more like obligations? Are some connections leaving you feeling empty instead of fulfilled?
Sometimes we hold on to people out of habit or guilt, but those aren’t the connections that nourish us. Knowing when to let go and seek out people who genuinely make you feel seen is key. It might even mean breaking up with friends — and that’s okay.
When you’re clear about your values, you’re in a better place to find the right people and release those who no longer bring you joy.
Find Joy
And speaking of joy, when I’m feeling off, I try to tap into the things that used to light me up as a kid. For me, it’s drawing. For you, maybe it’s dancing around your living room like no one’s watching, trying a new hobby, or indulging in some ice cream at the park (highly recommend that one!). Whatever it is, rediscovering your joy can make a world of difference, because joy is the antidote to loneliness.
Lately, I’ve made it a practice to spend 15-30 minutes a day sketching whatever comes to mind. It’s my way of stepping back from the noise, taking a breather, and reconnecting with myself. These little bursts of joy remind me what that feeling really is, and how to make space for it every day.
Shift Your Mindset
This one’s not easy, but it’s crucial. When loneliness sets in, it’s tempting to spiral into negative thoughts. We start telling ourselves things that simply aren’t true — like “I’m unworthy” or “No one really cares.” It’s hard, but ask yourself: Are these thoughts based on reality? Ten times out of ten, they’re not. Shifting your mindset is about breaking free from that inner critic.
Affirmations can help with this. Try looking in the mirror and saying something positive, like “I am loved, I am enough, I am worthy.” It might feel awkward at first (trust me, I’ve been there), but over time, it can shift your perspective and help rewire those negative thought patterns.
Be the One to Initiate
Sometimes, the hardest part of feeling disconnected is waiting for someone else to reach out. But here’s the thing: It’s perfectly okay to be the one who makes the first move. Whether it’s planning a monthly get-together or scheduling some 1-on-1 time with the people who matter to you, taking control of your social life can be empowering. Don’t stress about whether others are doing their part — focus on what you need. Plan that coffee date, start that group text, and take ownership of your connections. This is your life, and you have every right to create the social experience that works for you.
Personally, I’ve realized I value 1:1 time more than big group hangouts, so I make it a priority to schedule those deeper connections with friends. It’s intentional, spaced out to avoid burnout, and helps me feel balanced. And when I’m in the mood for a larger gathering, I’ll rally the whole crew — and then give myself a much-needed break afterward. This balance keeps my social life fulfilling without overwhelming me.
And Lastly…
We’ve all been there. Loneliness isn’t some rare, hidden emotion only a few of us experience — it’s something everyone feels at some point, whether they admit it or not. So, here’s my challenge: let’s stop pretending. Let’s start talking about it. Owning it. Because the more we bring loneliness into the open, the less power it has over us.
Think about it — how many times have you felt disconnected and convinced yourself you were the only one? That no one else could possibly understand? Well, that’s just not true. And the more we talk about it, the more we break down the walls that loneliness builds around us.
Dr. Ruth, who spent the last years of her life helping people find deeper connections, knew this well. She said,
“If we talk openly about loneliness — unapologetically and without euphemisms — those who are feeling painfully disconnected will feel less alone, too.”
And she was right. When we remove the shame from loneliness, we make space for real conversations and real connection.
So here’s what I hope for: that we start talking about loneliness so much that it no longer carries the weight it does now. That it stops being this epidemic that silently affects so many, and instead becomes something we can openly address and overcome — together.
And if you’re wondering how to even start a conversation about loneliness, here’s a little script to get you going:
Me: “I’m feeling lonely."
You: “Thank you for sharing that. It took a lot of courage to say that out loud. And I want you to know that it’s completely normal. I feel that way sometimes, too. I’m here for you, whatever you need.”
It’s simple, right? But the real magic happens when we take the time to build those stronger, deeper connections with the people who matter most. When we show up, listen, and make space for each other’s truth.
So, who’s ready to ditch that invisible blanket for good? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments — let’s keep this conversation going.
Additional Resources
Books:
Articles:
Why is the Loneliness Epidemic so hard to cure? (NYT)
The Friendship Paradox (MSN)
5 ways to feel more connected according to Dr. Ruth (NYT)
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