Overcoming Rejection: Learning, Growing, and Moving Forward.

Why is it so damn hard to feel rejected?

In this series of blogs, I’m going to discuss certain taboo words in society that we all carry around, but don’t like to discuss or share publicly. Let’s change this and de-stigmatize these words so we can embrace them fully, authentically, as our whole selves. 

My cat, Sofie, is doing a wonderful job portraying how I feel every time I get rejected. I feel you my beautiful cat, I feel you.

Rejection Sucks

Can we all agree on that? It may be one of the hardest things to overcome as humans, second only to grief and loss. No one likes rejection or seeks it out, but we all experience it at some point in our lives. Unless we’re living under a rock, all humans face rejection. It’s a universal experience we all share. We face potential rejection every time we put ourselves out there, become vulnerable, and go after what we want — whether that’s a new relationship, friendship, career, hobby, or any other pursuit.

As a serial go-getter, I have faced many forms of rejection. And let me tell you, it doesn't get easier with time. But I do get better at managing my emotions when overcoming it. What hurts more than rejection is not taking the risk or betting on ourselves because we were too afraid. The uncertainty of not knowing what could have been if we had just tried, is a big price to pay to avoid rejection, in my humble opinion. It’s usually our ego that takes the biggest hit from rejection, and that ego needs to be tamed because it doesn’t always serve us well in these situations.

So, I’m going to get real with you here — vulnerable even — and share some of the rejections that have hurt me, but also helped me grow. This isn’t easy for me to write, and sometimes I wish I did live under that proverbial rock to avoid the hurt and pain that comes with rejection. But what would life look like then? Boring, that’s what, and I don’t want a boring life. When faced with rejection, we grow from it, and in many ways, become better because of it.

I also want to share my experiences because I feel we don’t do that enough. We often hear about people’s accomplishments, but not the struggles they faced leading up to the big win. Not many of us like to share our failures, and I want us as a society to get rid of this taboo. Let’s shine a light on our failures because that helps encourage others to go after what they want, knowing that if it doesn’t work out the way they hoped, everything will still be okay in the end. Because it is okay (exhales a deep breath).

So here goes: the big moments in my life where I faced rejection and lived to tell about it.

The Many, Many Times I Faced Rejection

Relationships

Let’s start with the ‘easy’ one, relationship rejection. I'm pretty confident that most of us have been here before. If we've been in a relationship, we most likely have also faced rejection from another relationship. I’ve had my fair share of rejections from people I was interested in dating at one point or another. I’ve pursued people who weren’t interested in me, and stayed with people who didn't treat me right. It took me awhile to learn why I was doing this to myself. My ego was coming out strong, wanting them to like me. How dare they not like me? Then what does that say about me? I’m unlovable, not wanted, unworthy… all these thoughts took up space in my head during those times. When, actually, those thoughts weren't true at all. But I believed them, and each rejection seemed to verify it for me. Until I finally told these thoughts to stop living in my head rent-free. It was hard to accept the rejection and move on from these experiences, but when I finally did, I felt lighter and freer.

I needed these experiences to help me realize that not everyone is meant to be together. They were not the right person for me, and if they were, then it would have worked out. Or the timing was just off, and it could never have worked because we were on different paths. Or the simplest answer: it just wasn’t meant to be. And even though it felt like rejection, it was also a growth opportunity. I realized my patterns of dating, who I tended to go after, and I became more aware of myself in the process. I grew stronger in finding relationships that were healthier for me, instead of chasing ones that clearly weren’t. 

We can’t let the fear of rejection hold us back from pursuing the relationships we want or settling for ones that aren’t good for us either. The worst-case scenario is the other person says no, and now you don’t waste your time on them. You have the answer and can move on. It also allows for the right people to come into your life. It’s a great feeling when you have clarity, and you won’t have that unless you ask the hard questions.

And speaking of evaluating our relationships in our lives, let’s talk about friendships.

Friendships

Friendships, to me, at times were harder to lose than romantic relationships. It took time and effort to build friendships, but over time and with lifestyle changes, I would lose some friends along the way. I came to accept this as the new normal, especially after college.

Sometimes we outgrow the friends we have. Sometimes they outgrow us. It can be very difficult when a friend breaks up with us, especially if it appears out of the blue. I’ve had many friends come and go, sometimes by my choice and other times by theirs. I always felt a little sting from each breakup, a loss of a connection that took time and effort to build. But I do believe people come into your life for a reason, and maybe only for a certain time, to fulfill their purpose and then move on.

When I was younger, we were often told or witnessed from the people in our lives, how difficult and painful romantic relationships could be. But we were never told how hard it can be to maintain friendships and that we can face rejection from friends as well. That first friend loss hurt the most. I remember in middle school getting rejected from a friend group, a group of girls who didn’t feel I belonged with them. And that stung — a lot. But as we grow up and become more aware of ourselves and our needs, we can set boundaries with others, letting in what fits for us and keeping out what doesn’t.

We can evaluate the friendships in our lives to determine if they are meeting our needs or no longer serving us, and assess what’s missing from our current friendships. We all know the world is going through a loneliness epidemic, so it’s important to search for what we need in terms of types of connections. It’s crucial to cherish and value the friendships you do have and let go of the ones that no longer fit. Rejection can be hard to face, but it doesn’t devalue you in any way. It doesn’t define your self-worth.

Career

This is a hard one for me. I’ve had a difficult time in my career. I’ve faced A LOT, and I do mean A LOT of rejection in my career. There is someone I met who never lost a job interview — always got offered the job after every single interview they went on. For me, that was the opposite. I interviewed at a lot of places, and got offered a few jobs. Not to mention all the places where I submitted my resume, but never heard back from the employer. 

I’ve always struggled with knowing what I wanted to do in my life. I admired people who always knew what they wanted to do from a young age. That was not me. So I tried many many things, and therefore faced rejection many times throughout my career. The jobs I did have were never perfect or great for me. I accepted them because I felt I had to — I was desperate and thought something better would come along if I did. But each job never felt right. I always outgrew the jobs and wanted something new.  Because I didn’t know what I really wanted to do, I would take jobs just to have one, and oftentimes the wrong jobs. My position at two different companies was eliminated due to layoffs. Yes, I am almost embarrassed to reveal this, but my position at two different companies, back to back, was eliminated. The first time it happened I wanted it to, I was ready for it and interviewing at other places before it was announced. The second time it happened, I also was ready for it, knowing I wanted to pursue my own business full-time. However, it still hurt, both times. It felt like rejection, even though I secretly wanted it. 

I remember the first time it happened, I ate breakfast (a nice pancake meal at home), and shortly threw up afterwards. Not because of food poisoning, but because of the guilt/pain/rejection I felt in my gut. My body was reacting to the emotions that I was carrying around. It was then that I realized we could hold opposite emotions within us for the same thing, grief and happiness, loss and freedom.  

I sat with these emotions for a while, letting them out when they wanted to show up, and learned to be okay with it. But it still never gets easier the more I face rejection, with every job interview, job application, job position eliminated, career change, etc. I just became more resilient and built grit to help me push through these rejections. I know deep down these rejections were meant to be, and the right job opportunity would present itself when ready. Now I am fully aware and present in knowing I am on the right path and believe fully that these things had to happen to me to help me get to where I am today. 

Activities/Pursuits

I’ve tried many things in my adult life, taking up different hobbies, and there is one hobby that I have failed at more than any other: learning how to sing. I am almost too embarrassed to admit this, but since we are friends here now, I will let you in on a secret. I was fired by my voice coach who I hired to train me! I tried to learn how to sing over the pandemic, through Zoom, with someone I found on Facebook. After many lessons, we just didn’t vibe, and she kindly ‘fired’ me by letting me know her schedule had changed. Was this rejection? Most definitely. Was I horrified that this happened? Yes, but then I quickly got over it, making it a humorous story instead. Like, who is so bad at singing that they get fired by their voice coach? This girl, that’s who.

I’ve been rejected from higher education. At one point in my career, I thought about going back to school for something completely different and applied for a master’s program. I received the rejection letter in the mail and decided maybe that wasn’t the right path for me anyway. So, I pivoted again. I’ve been rejected from advancing to the next level in tennis class. I’ve been rejected in dance lessons, as the instructor kindly informed me that I can follow the steps, but need to find the beat. I am still searching for the beat as I type this. If anyone knows where it is, please let me know at 1-800-MISSING-BEAT.

Here is a painting of a fruit bowl I drew at a free class I happened to walk in on. I call it "Space Fruit"

But despite all this rejection, I still try new things and continue to get better at what I lack. I recently signed up with a new voice coach, to whom I apologized in advance for their ears, but they are willing to coach me. I also signed up for drawing classes (not an artist!), so I am already mentally preparing myself to be the worst student in art class (this stemming from my high school art class, where I was THAT person).

But I don’t want to give up, and I know that with time, hard work, and lots of practice, I can improve my skills. I just need to practice self-compassion as I continue to put myself out there.

So How Do You Overcome Rejection?

Time. 

Time is your friend and enemy. We often want to avoid our emotions for as long as possible. But it takes time to process them. And that can feel so slllooooooooowwww. Process your emotions, recognize them, feel them, and let them out. It’s really the only way to manage it. You can’t control how you feel in certain situations, but you can manage your emotions. Cry it out. Laugh out loud. Do both at the same time. It can be therapeutic. Share your experiences with others, as they can also relate. Most importantly, take the time to heal. Everyone’s timeline is different; there is no ‘right amount’ of time to heal.

Some rejections have taken me longer to process and heal from, and others not so long. It really depends on the person and situation. So let time be your friend in this, and know every day afterward will feel a little less painful until it goes away completely.

Build Resilience.

The more you put yourself out there and try new things, the more experience and practice you’ll obtain, helping you build resilience. Rejection doesn’t get easier the more you have it, but you can learn how to cope with it when it does happen. What works best for you when faced with rejection? A good cry session (I know that helps me!), swearing into the universe, venting to a friend, etc. Whatever it is, find what works for you and do that.

To take from a great quote from Yung Pueblo on resilience in his book The Way Forward:

They asked her,

“How do you get through tough moments?"

She answered,

“Do not trust the way you see yourself when your mind is turbulent, and remember that even pain is temporary. Honor your boundaries, treat yourself gently, let go of perfection, and feel your emotions without letting them control you. You have enough experience to face the storm and evolve from it.”

Practice Self Compassion.

Self-compassion is crucial for dealing with rejection. What we say to ourselves matters greatly. We need to remember to treat ourselves with kindness and compassion, just as we would treat our friends and family going through loss and rejection. So please, if anything, be kind to yourself. What you say to yourself when going through rejection matters greatly, and it's important to practice being kind to ourselves to help us persevere when going through hard times. It's also good to remember that it's just a moment in time, and won't last forever.

Grow Emotional Awareness.

The first time you get rejected, it will hurt deeply. But the more you get rejected, the more you can learn how best to cope with it and remove yourself from the equation. When someone doesn’t want to be with us anymore, it’s not because of you, they’ve changed and need something else in their lives. When rejected from a job, it isn’t because of you. It’s because they are looking for something else for that role, a different set of skills that maybe you don’t have yet. It’s about looking at it a different way and trying not to take it so personally. It can feel personal, believe me, but if we have a different mindset about it, it can and will feel less painful.

Perseverance & Grit.  

No matter how many times we get rejected, it’s important to keep moving forward. Sometimes that rejection can teach us a lesson, whether that means it was not meant to be, or to pivot and try something else. By moving on, it builds perseverance and grit, which are two skills that are great to have as tools to overcome rejection, and both take time to build. Yes, our faithful friend time again will help with this. 

Final Thoughts

No matter what, rejection is hard. But with time, self-compassion, resilience, emotional intelligence, perseverance, and grit, it can help ease the pain of rejection and one can become stronger from it. Keep moving forward. Take the lessons learned, and leave the rest behind.

Now that we have spoken about rejection and how to overcome it, I am curious to know how you have overcome rejection in your own life. To de-stigmatize this word, it’s crucial to share our rejections with each other, so we all feel connected, knowing we aren’t alone in facing rejection. Let’s shout out our rejections and make it normal! Just like we would for our successes.

And to leave you with a great quote from The Midnight Library by Matt Haig,

“There is no rejection. Only redirection.”

Next up in my blog series on Taboo words: Lonely.